The Hiram Scott College Research Department has done it again. While other “distinguished” universities publish silly research findings about sword swallowing, woodpecker headaches, ovulation cycles of lap dancers, and answering the vital question “Do humans swim slower in syrup or water?”, we are conducting valuable studies on pennies as they relate to our nation’s financial future.
QUESTION: Do humans still place value on a penny?
HYPOTHESIS: Many of the younger generation go around saying, “A penny ain’t what it used to be.” We challenge this premise.
METHODOLOGY: In an undisclosed community in Nevada, the HSC group placed a worn penny in the middle of a sidewalk on Second Street. One member of the team, disguised as a fire hydrant, hid close by to observe how many of the next 10 walkers would bend down to pick up the penny.
DATA ANALYSIS: Although it now costs several cents to make a penny, only two elderly women out of the 10 passersby stopped, picked up the penny, studied it and slipped it in their pockets. Eight younger folks just strolled right on by.
CONCLUSION: Older women have a greater appreciation for pennies than the younger population. We surmise older men have that same appreciation but don’t walk down Second Street that much.
FUTURE STUDIES: Plans are underway to do similar studies with nickels, dimes and quarters. What will it take to have a greater percentage of younger participants bend over? However, such sophisticated research is expensive. Even though 8 out of 10 cents was retained from non-responders, the HSC research team needs your financial support. Please send whatever change you have stored up in the jar in your closet to our team at its undisclosed site.
A very dumb idea